One night last week I couldn’t sleep.
I woke up in the early hours and got stuck with unhelpful reflections that I couldn’t shift. I self-medicated with Netflix — not what the doctor recommends but I can usually sleep afterwards so I go with it.
The following morning I wasn’t feeling much better. My wife noticed and commented that maybe I should stop being involved in this conflict.
This was triggered when I went to an evening Zoom trying to resolve an intra-organisational conflict in my community which has been going on for months.
The details of this are understandably not to be shared. However, my strategy has been that conflict can and should be a source of growth. This was reinforced by a recent event I attended to explore conflict and violence in the workplace (we were using Charles Rojzman’s therapeutic practice that he used to address intergroup conflict and violence around the world).
I decided to stop and sit with my feelings and see what emerged.
My first thought was that I should withdraw my involvement. My second thought was that I was too attached to my outcome. My third thought was that I should simply share my feelings and thoughts with the individual who I am directly helping. I did this and felt a little better.
I was away at the weekend and found myself getting argumentative with my wife. A sign that I was still dealing with something. Other less generous interpretations are available!
We went on a seal watching trip in Norfolk and this is where things started to come together. My ‘go to’ in time when I need insight is to spend time in nature. This was nature on steroids as the weather was very windy and cold. And being on a boat which was open to the elements whether that was the roiling sea or the wind was powerful. We only saw a few seals so I had the time to look and listen and reflect more deeply on what I was seeing. In particular, the complexity of the sea with the waves but as I looked more closely I could see ‘nano waves’ which gave the surface of the sea a rough and more detailed texture. I found this experience quite calming.
At some point after this I got the insight I was seeking. This situation feels like chaos and chaos is always necessary for bigger system change or transformation. The important thing is that I took comfort from the fact that nature is simply operating in the way that it does.
What I was experiencing was increasing complexity or chaos (I’m not sure when one moves to the other). And increasing complexity or chaos is a necessary precursor to transformation.
I have been seeking to control or predict that which is unpredictable. And this has been blinding me. Letting go is necessary, paradoxically, to see the change that you want to see.
(originally posted on 12th October, 2020 in Medium)